Government Whitewash Will It Wash off?


A damning report has been released by the government after much pressure from watch dog groups. The Whitewash report headed by top civil servant Lord Whitewash was released at a hastily called press meeting at Whitehall this morning assumedly in the hope the whole matter will be brushed under the carpet as quickly as possible.

When asked would this in fact be brushed under the carpet Lord Whitewash remarked that judging by the tome he held in his hand, the report 1,000 pages long, that it would hardly look right brushed under the carpet at all.

We have asked a top carpet fitter from Ronnie’s Carpet World Lewisham high street, for his expert opinion. Ronnie did in fact confirm that Lord Whitewash was telling the truth. He further explained that the excellent quality Persian carpet along with the super fast carpet grips would truly not be able to accommodate such a large report taking in to consideration the carpet to floor ratio. He categorically denied his current carpet sale has finished and confirmed there are still two days to go before the sale ends.

The report which was called for after much debate in the House of Commons some eighteen months ago and only now released due to consumer pressure, has by all accounts opened up Pandora’s Box it was claimed. Lady Pandora Boxington, Lib Dem, who sits in the upper house, has asked that we confirm that we are not referring to her but merely wish to emphasise the enormity of the findings in the report.

Lord Harrington Carrington of Barrington –on-Sea has openly expressed his utter dismay at such a response and claimed it wasn’t him who was seen sneaking out of the back entrance of a well known hotel in Brighton a week last Saturday. He confirmed however, he and Lady Boxington were merely very close friends. Lord Whitewash looking rather crumpled in his demeanour managed to quieten Lord Barrington before continuing with the matter in hand. He hoped that something will now be done on this matter to stem the flow of such waste of public funds.

We haven’t had much time to digest such a voluminous report but can confirm that the report is extremely long and laborious indeed. Lord Whitewash denied that his report would only be useful to insomniacs and pederasts. The Whitewash Report which, sets out in its pages, its findings that other such reports frequently are an utter waste of time, paper and parliamentary resources that such reports use. We will report on our findings once we have found someone who is willing to stand up and confirm they are an insomniac or in fact a pederast.

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