King Thong sited in Cologne

Cologne, Germany was a city under threat when a local TV news channel confirmed that a hairy monster had been seen in the vicinity of Pashas nightclub in down town Cologne. One local resident who happened to see the monster prior to the confirmed sighting at Pashas managed to recall just how she came into contact with the beast.

“ I was walking passed a local bar when I saw what could only be described as a hairy monster bending over near the Peters Brau-House, it was all hairy and had an evil looking smile on its face, almost a leer. I clutched my heart as the sight that suddenly loomed up on me almost took my breath away. I ran for my life and searched for a police man but when he had gone to investigate the sighting he could not see anything at the premises apart from gold sequins on the floor. I have never seen such a creature before least of all one wearing women’s underwear”

Another sighting had been reported near the Eden Dom hotel where witnesses had reported a hairy creature walking up and down the pavement shouting something about a beef bayonet. No one at the scene could confirm what this meant but a local anthropologist, Dr Adolph Winkler, stated it could be a language used around the Neolithic period by early cave dwellers. We are unable to confirm for sure at this moment in time if this is correct or not but we are adamant that bayonet is a modern word and not a Neolithic one.

A further incident happened inside Pashas nightclub where it was reported a man claiming to be David Hasselhoff tried to get free dances and other such dalliances with the female workers there. When he was approached by the doormen of the club he tried to get out of the situation by saying his name was David Düsseldorf and not Hasselhoff after all. The man later managed to escape from the door man and was last seen running out of the club with his ball strangler of a thong on his head shouting “I want my plastic fanny!” The creature and man could be one and the same some as an eye-witness’ saw David Düsseldorf transforming into a bedraggled hairy creature with it’s eyes on stalks and his mouth open wide with an over extended tongue salivating down its cheeks. We are yet to clarify which cheeks the salivation was dripping down but either way it sounds shocking.

As can be gathered by the numerous reports coming out of Cologne this hairy beast has been popping up everywhere and the local police have asked residents and tourists a like to be on their guard in case the beast comes near them. The last known sighting of this creature was near the cathedral where it was trying dangle its eewok type dangle berries onto unsuspecting peoples heads whilst shouting Arabian goggles not long after it had ridden a motorised pig to death out side the pork sword take-away early yesterday morning

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