School Report of Jesus Found On Skip

Your Favourite newspaper has come in to receipt of an early school report for Jesus. Top scientific experts have verified that the report is real and after much debate our editorial team along with our legal department have given permission to publish the very report for our loyal readers.

Dear Mr & Mrs God.

Well another term has ended at St Malachi’s School and I am once again called upon as head teacher for the year to write to you with a report of how your child has been for the term. It has been as ever a rather fraught term as you can imagine with the many up’s and down’s that we as the teaching staff have to put up with. There have been a number of occasions this term that I was called upon to raise certain matters to the attention of Mr Trench the head master. Please don’t get me wrong some of the incidents have been minor infractions and easily remedied with quick action by myself others unfortunately have not.

I shall set out the good points and the bad points individually for you in order to give you both a better idea of how your son has been this term.

The teaching staffs were disheartened when through no fault of our own the teaching staff’s canteen had run out of fish suppers on the first week of term. Your son godly (forgive the pun) as ever saved the day by materialising from empty canteen serving trays enough battered fish and buttered bread to fill the empty stomachs of all the teaching staff. It was a remarkable fete surpassing anything mere mortals like David Blane and Paul Daniels could ever conjure up.

Religious education was a very good example of your son’s exemplary knowledge of Christianity and other known religious beliefs. His “Show and Tell” was extremely popular especially when he brought his Uncles Mohammad and Buddha, to the school to talk about other theological theories. We have asked him however to give others a chance at answering some of the questions asked in class. I am aware who he is the son of but no one likes a know it all. He has managed to out shine the rest of the school. However; we did need to request that the glow of his halo be dimmed at least during the day. On a good note the electricity normally used at the school during the winter evenings has thankfully been reduced due to his magnificent enlightenment.

Some of the female members of staff and a few of the six form girls have been rather disturbed about your son’s omnipresent state. It has caused a few complaints over the term due to people not wishing to have your son’s omni presents within them during the day and night. It has been called by some as a total invasion of privacy and unfortunately your son’s habit of smiling or indeed winking at the female staff and six former girls as he floats passed between classes etc to feel very suspicious indeed.

As an added note of concern some of the other parents have commented on your son’s good grades year in and year out. Somehow they feel that he may be reading the teachers minds or even looking through their eyes to obtain the answers to the exam question sheets. I have assured all concerned that all exam questions are sealed in a regulatory brown envelope provided by the education examiners office but somehow this does not seem to alleviate the situation any.

On a slightly lighter note I have been much impressed by your son’s ability in the country dancing classes. He has gone from strength to strength and has won this term the boot scoot prize in line dancing. You should both be very proud of his achievements.

Maths A+
English A+
Wood Work D+
French A+
Quantum Physics A
Country Dancing B

Over all a good try however, he needs to apply himself more in Wood Work. Unfortunately his attempt of making a working Ark failed somewhat at the cost of the death of a wide range of animals which we had to get Rent-A-Kill to remove at some cost to the school.

If your son keeps the good work up he should be able to find himself a decent job when he leaves school in two years. I am aware that he has confirmed his willingness to join your family business as an apprentice; however, it is always best to keep your options open I feel.

I look forward to meeting you both at next months open day the children have worked hard on their production of Dante’s Inferno which I believe is very realistic indeed.

Yours sincerely

Dr BL Ebob
Head Teacher Year Six

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