Police Investigate Toilet Terrorits War Of Turds

The Avon and Somerset Police are investigating a spate of violent toilet related incidents in and around the Bath area. A number of attacks have been made of a toilet kind at certain toilet facilities in the area. Police have unfortunately been combing the area for clues to the culprit’s identity.

Chief Inspector Colin Faggot confirmed today at a hastily arranged conference, “This person or thing concerned has to be caught no matter what. The amount of damage that has been caused so far is astronomical to say the least. We have been studying the evidence very closely but to date we have not had a breakthrough yet. Our top forensic officers have picked through the evidence but to no avail. The toilets near the Avon Street Coach Park has been the straw that broke the camel’s back I am afraid. Before anyone asks, no we do not have a camel within the Avon and Somerset Constabulary. The utter wilful damage to those toilets has been shocking indeed. I have seen some sights in my 20 year career within the police force but this makes the others pale into insignificance.”

We have been informed that for a period of four months someone or some thing has been defecating all over the public toilets in and around the bath area. It has caused hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of damage to the property. Some attendants have been hospitalised due to the distressing scenes found within these premises.

Funding to install blue lighting in ten of Bath’s public toilets had been secured by Bath & North East Somerset’s Community Safety Partnership – which includes Avon and Somerset Police and the Council.

Blue lighting has proved to be an effective way to prevent drug addicts using public toilets to inject drugs as it makes it extremely difficult for them to see their veins. But the Avon and Somerset Police and Council had no warning of what would happen next.

Cllr Frost confirmed, “The toilets and wash basin areas were smeared with human excrement. The smell was so abhorrent that a public health warning had to be issued due to the severity of the rotten smell emitting from the targeted premises. Each toilet was left unflushed and filled to the brim with the liquidised foul rotten excreta. If anyone has any information we can follow through on we would be most grateful. You can contact the Avon and Somerset Police on their hotline on the usual number. A fund had been set up to help with the costs of the damage. Any small deposit the public wish to leave to help in the restoration of the targeted amenities will be welcome. With the help from the general public the Police are hoping to have something more solid to go on soon.”

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