Commuters To Get Rail Weigh Stations
Rail passengers, some of whom already have a less than size zero chance of getting a seat, are to be weighed in an effort to deal with overcrowding, it was revealed to the Global News Terrorists Team by a reliable source.
The South-easterly train company which runs over some of the busiest commuter routes has developed the plan after many complaints from it’s customers over the last year and a half.
South-easterly has installed a new device to four of its busiest routes. The device can work out just how many passengers are aboard its Electrostar trains by recording the overall weight of the train. Once the warning sign lights up with the words “who ate all the pies?” staff can then notify the passengers on their trains, who needs to get off and more importantly who needs to lose weight.
South-easterly has installed a new device to four of its busiest routes. The device can work out just how many passengers are aboard its Electrostar trains by recording the overall weight of the train. Once the warning sign lights up with the words “who ate all the pies?” staff can then notify the passengers on their trains, who needs to get off and more importantly who needs to lose weight.
We have learned of this via a leaked memo that this would not be confirmed to their passengers until trials had been completed. Staff are to be sent on an anti abuse course to help them once the fattest of passengers started to complain. Protective clothing and anti-food spitting devices would be issued to all on the four selected routes by the year end.
When we contacted the South-easterly customer service centre the device and anything relating to the matter were denied. They would not confirm if an official statement would be issued on the matter.
We did contact a south eastern diet group to see what the reaction would be upon hearing this information. Mrs Mandy Pantry stated, “I think it is a disgrace do they not realise that some of us are big boned and cannot help our shape and size. I have been going to this diet group for months now and all I do is put weight on. I have come to the conclusion that it must be my bones and nothing to do with the food I eat. To think I will be forced off a train because I am too large is terrible; this is victimization to say the least.”
We left Mandy and her group a copy of our report on this matter to digest but to date we have not yet had our report back. We leave it up to the paying customers of this great country to demand an open door policy when it comes to passenger transport but obviously not whilst the train is in motion.
THE RANK NEWS: spoof news and satire 