Horoscopes


Aries It’s a busy week as you adjust to your new-found powers. Just remember the next time you look longingly into a woman’s eyes you maybe burning more than a memory into her brain.

Leo A magical merger between the Moon and Jupiter indicates you’re going to be lucky in love. Just hope that Uranus doesn’t come between you and those new jeans you hope to wear for your first date.

Sagittarius With so much happening in the sky, it’s important not to loosen your grip. However, without that parachute you forgot to pack you may be coming down with one almighty pump this week.

Taurus You may not think you can do much to influence others, but enough money in the right hands can knobble any jury you want.

Virgo You can’t be in two places at once. Such a pity as you will never be able to explain to the police why it couldn’t have been  you who was found naked in the girls showers at school.

Capricorn Your belief that things will stay good are so deluded. Your life is going to be turned upside down when your mother-in-law lands on your doorstep.

Gemini Take the lead and make things happen after all no one else in the family wants to walk the dog for you.

Libra Are you trying to focus too much on other people lately? It sounds like Glaucoma is going to be your new-found friend.

Aquarius You’re sending out all the right signals but trade is very slow. At this rate you may find yourself the first redundant rent boy on your block.

Cancer Something big is coming between you and your sleep lately. I guess swallowing that much Viagra in one night was bound to keep you up all night.

Scorpio We all have moments when we feel really negative. Luckily for you working in a nursing home means you can make others pay for your pain.

Pisces No one wants to know how you are feeling right now least of all humans.

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