Weekly Horoscopes


Aries: Right now your social circle is going through a somewhat emotional time and tempers may fly tonight. After all it’s not often you arrive home to find your boyfriend in bed with your best friend playing wheel barrows is it.

Leo: Your ability to charm the birds from the trees may lead to an expensive dry cleaning bill.

Sagittarius: You may be in the spotlight at work this week. No doubt the compromising photos of you and the general manager plastered all over the central lifts may have a lot to do with it.

Taurus: An arrogant slant from the stars means friends cross the line this week luckily the 45 Magnum you bought is about to come in handy after all.

Virgo: A new face gives you the chance to get to know them better. Prison can be a lonely place so why not swallow your pride. Just try not to turn your back on your new friend too much.

Capricorn: Don’t think you can keep that secret forever. Your old house is getting a new patio, you left a forwarding address and bones don’t decay as easily as you once thought.

Gemini: Your instincts about others are good at this time. There is only one option left for you and that is to run and run fast. The meat in that pot is definitely not from an animal.

Libra: You have a lot of work to do this week and when it comes to making a hit list of work colleagues why not start at the letter A.

Aquarius: Quick fire opportunities don’t come along so often in life. But a word of warning, carrying two kilos up your rectum is bound to cause suspicion at LAX no matter how you try to disguise your walk.

Cancer: You should have discovered a lot of things about yourself yesterday and not having long to live should have been one of them.

Scorpio: Be careful about what you tell your friends about your sex life dogging isn’t to everyone’s taste least of all in graveyards.

Pisces: You need to give more time to a younger person at the moment but being a teenage mother with a crack habit isn’t going to get in the way of your social life is it? At least at 4 years of age your child can open a tin of dog food if it’s hungry so why worry.

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