Richard Littleknob…The columnist who NEVER Pulls His Punches! (Except for dead prostitutes; he’d rather just spit on their graves)

I read today that another so-called expert is trying to ruin our lives with his sinister meddling.

 Apparently, this bonkers bureaucrat called Peter North wants to stop us hardworking salt-of-the earth Englishmen enjoying a few pints, whisky chasers obviously and a couple of brandies (well Geoff’s boy’s home on leave, be rude not to eh?) then availing ourselves of our non-negotiable patriotic right to get in our cars and bravely navigate our way through the filth-infested streets of Broken Britain to make our way back to the sanctuary of our lovely suburban homes.

Well, I say enough is enough. I call on our Prime Minister David Cameron to kick this ‘elf and safety nonsense into touch where it belongs. Come on Dave; let’s see how much of a man you really are. You’re either with me, or you’re French.

And talking of slimy, despicable foreigners, I see that the Germans have been up to their old tricks in the World Cup. Yes it looks like our old friend Johnny Hun has been sneaking ahead of us once again by practicing with the controversial new World Cup ball months before the tournament started.  So if plucky Englishman Fabio Capello and his courageous charges don’t prevail this time, at least we now know why.

 Finally, some good news for a change. An exam watchdog has ordered that many science GCSE papers be scrapped because they were too easy. And they’re not wrong readers! I’ve heard that one of the so-called questions on the rejected paper was the following:

 Which of the following is, according to all known evidence and data, a credible theory to explain global warming?

 a)      The release of high levels of Carbon Dioxide (CO2) into the atmosphere.

b)      It’s not getting warmer! It’s bloody freezing here.

c)      Homosexuals farting out great clouds of AIDS and bringing about God’s wrath upon the Earth.   

 I don’t think you really need me to tell you the answer there do you?

 Anyway, let’s rejoice in a long-overdue victory for the silent majority of us concerned citizens aged over 50 and with access to our own hard-hitting columns in right-wing newspapers. But there’s still a long and winding road ahead of us dear friends before we can restore this proud warrior nation to our rightful place. Today we vanquish the feckless lazy children, tomorrow the gypsies!

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