Weekly Horoscopes


Aries: Somehow you just knew it was wrong but the taste of human flesh got the better of you didn’t it?

Leo: You’ve opened your big mouth way too much today best be quick before your pimp turns up and takes all of your hard earned cash.

Sagittarius: Magical moments are few and far between lately and I guess that is why you have been kept behind another year at Hogworts.

Taurus: Everything is getting on top of you this week and hearing someone shout pile-on is the last thing you need right now.

Virgo: That new make-over you promised yourself just didn’t go the way you expected. Looking like the Joker in Batman is sure to scare the kids at your friend’s birthday party.

Capricorn: A problem at home could see you running to a friend for advice. A word of warning people like you, have no friends. Be prepared to find your name all over the toilets this week.  

Gemini: You feel like putting your foot down today unfortunately you live in an area known for its dog fouling so expected it to get messy all of a sudden.

Libra: Looking at the lighter side of life is all well and good but it is a child’s funeral for god’s sake, so be prepared to get a good kicking.  

Aquarius: Being fun and bubbly is another way of saying you’re a fat cow with over peroxide hair and way too tight clothing. Cry if you want but you are still going to have to wake up in the morning and live with the mess you see in the mirror.

Cancer: You have missed a love one so much lately. Thankful you have their decomposing body in your cellar and so you can still see them whenever you like.   

Scorpio: Sometimes being late for ones own funeral has its advantages. Maybe it’s time you booked that flight to Rio as your business partners are not going to be happy you have stolen 6 million from the accounts.  

Pisces: God was only playing with your head when he said kill them all. You have been warned.

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