Tim Lovejoy: Didn’t I tell you I was half-Dutch?

Can’t believe you lot fell for that last one. Ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha. If only Spanners would return my calls nowadays, he’d definitely think it was hilarious.

As if I’d throw the iconic Lovejoy support behind the old enemy eh lads? Come on, it’s me Tim Lovejoy, the cockney rebel himself! Nah, course it was just one of my early-twentieth century new-footer fans’ jokes yeah? Sunloungers and Mescherschmits innit? Ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha-ah-ha.

Anyway, as I confided in my smash-hit Sunday morning BBC2 show ‘Something For The Weekend’ subordinate Simon Rimmer a full month ago, I’m a fully half-Dutchman. Yeah, turns out Chelsea’s legendary manager Guus Hiddink is my secret love-father. I didn’t wanna bring it up earlier cos the mighty Chels, who I’ve followed through thick and thin since the late 1990’s, might be divided between us two legends and the lack of unity might have caused someone else like Arsenal to win the League. And then I’d have to support them. And no-one wants that.

So shtick your clogs on and shmoke your shpliffs my friends and rejoice in Tim Van de Lovejoy’s top World Cup pick romping home to victory on Sunday night. And remember plebs, I told you so.


Ahem, in the very unlikely event that my beloved homeland suffer an unexpected defeat to Spain, you average-wage-earning unfortunates need to remember that I’ve got a 28-day-aged Chorizo stored up inside my tuchus so I win either way.

Donder op douchebags!


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