Twilight Movie ‘A Disgrace’ Says Polanski

Contoversial director Roman Polanski yesterday made his first public comment in more than a year to express his disgust at the new Twilight movie, Eclipse.

Polanski, recently freed by Swiss authorities from what looked like probable extradition to the U.S to face almost-certain imprisonment on a decades-old sex crime charge, said that his liberty, whilst a relief, was not the most important issue to him.  

Rather, the Polish auteur proceeded to stun journalists by coming out with an impassioned rant about the seemingly-innocuous blockbuster. He ranted: “This….this disgraceful excuse for a film. It typifies everything that is wrong with movie-making today. How dare the appalling waste of breath who made this abomination even call themselves a director? How dare they!”

When pressed as to what specifically he disliked about the movie, Polanski roared “For God’s sake man! Isn’t it obvious to you? There’s this beautiful virgin girl in it yes? Cracking set of bristols on it. And you’re telling me that at no stage does she get poked from pillar-to-post by all those randy vampires whether she wants it or not? Not that you could blame ’em if they did eh lads? I wouldn’t mind but the dozy little tart doesn’t even get so much as a sideboob out the whole picture! Mon Dieu! You would never see this in a Roman Polanski movie I can assure you.”

Celebrated French philosopher and leading light in the campaign to free his friend, Henri Nonce-Sympathiseur, gave his reaction to the statement by smugly proclaiming, “That’s Polanski!”

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