Weekly Horoscopes


Aries
Today will see you in two minds as to what you should do with your life. However, I am not quite sure crack or cocaine is the wisest of choices.

Leo
Your artistic streak comes to the fore today when you have the opportunity to spray-paint what you really think of your next door neighbours on their brand new car.

Sagittarius
Whilst all around you appears to be in chaos just remember you are tied to a chair and the detonator is due to go off any minute now. It’s time to panic.

TaurusThe sun in your star sign elevates you to new heights this week unfortunately for you your fear of heights may be your one and only stumbling block.

Virgo
Your attempt to move a solid object with your mind ends in a sticky mess through straining yourself too much. A spare pair of underwear may be advisable.

Capricorn
You will find that nothing you do this week will get in the way of your dreams.
Taking over the world however, may just be pushing it too far.

Gemini
Your hatred of animals may find you being kicked of the Farmville App you have recently discovered. Pitch forking the cows and burning down the barn with the farmer in it may have been one abuse too many for Facebook.

Libra
Don’t be surprised if family and friends comment on how much you have changed lately. There are not that many full moons so hopefully you will start looking yourself shortly.

Aquarius
The chance to mix with a different set of faces puts a spring in your step. I guess the word of you and animals has spread across the remand centre quicker than you expected.

CancerLook around and watch the actions of those close to you that should spell out to you how long you have if nothing else does.
Scorpio
Nothing is what it seems just now so wait till the morning when the alcohol has warn off. You will be walking like John Wayne and unable to sit down for a week.

Pisces
Imaginary friends when you are a child are one thing but at 30 it can look strange to others. Especially when you tell that girl in the pub that Mr Bunny Wunny touched her bum and not you, be warned.

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