Weekly Horoscopes

Aries: A face you didn’t think liked you now wants to spend time in your company. Unfortunately it is Freddy Krueger and your nightmare has only just started.

Leo:  Love connections cause confusion, as events on this day will soon reveal to you. Be warned your friends dog humping your leg every time you visit doesn’t mean you have to reciprocate.

Sagittarius:  Events throughout the day are about to catapult you in to the fast lane. Wear brown for luck and you never know it may also disguise any incontinence problems you may have on the way too.

Taurus:  You finally feel you are back in control of a situation and you know what needs to be done. Kill them all before it is too late.

Virgo:  Fresh starts and new beginnings are the order of the day as your new life as a woman brings a whole host of new experiences to your doorstep. Word of warning a 5 O’clock shadow doesn’t always go with lipstick.

Capricorn:  Both God and the Devil have chosen your mind to do battle for the dominance of all mankind. It may be wise to get some sleep now before the fireworks begin.

Gemini:  Your hatred for metaphors is causing you some concern this week but fear not every cloud has a silver lining.

Libra:  Your fledgling relationship with a new girlfriend is sure to hit the rocks after you show her the shrine to Gary Glitter you have in your spare bedroom.

Aquarius:  Your sense of humour takes you over the line when it comes to your close family this week. Perhaps exhuming your granddad’s body for your grandmothers surprise birthday party could be deemed a little inappropriate.

Cancer:  The results are not good. I guess it is about time you went got yourself measured for that new suit you always promised yourself.

Scorpio:  Your sensitive nature comes to the fore as you decide not to answer questions, which friends and family want to get to the bottom of. The longer they are unaware it was you who put the family cat in the microwave the better.

Pisces:  Travel plans may be cancelled but rest assured the minute you step out of your front door you will be his. Death has plenty of time on his hands.

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