Desmond to rebrand Five as the Diana Channel


 

Richard Desmond, the new owner of struggling TV network Channel Five, has today  announced his shock plan for saving the station. As from October 1st, British television’s fifth terrestrial channel will no longer be called Five but will instead be known as The Diana Channel.

The multi-millionaire publisher of disgusting, low-rent filth such as OK magazine and The Daily Express along with rather more upmarket fare like Big Fat Arses, Milfs In The Raw and Boobs, Boobs, Boobs!, claimed the beleaguered network needed a more distinct identity.  

So, out goes the current output of CSI, Australian soaps and documentaries about skyscrapers, hippos and enormous tractors. They are to be replaced with round-the-clock tributes to the late Princess Diana.

The new channel’s most controversial programme seems certain to be Queen of Hearts, a weekly gameshow presented by Jodie Marsh where each week six topless female cardiac patients compete against each other in a series of zany and erotic tasks with the last woman standing winning BUPA vouchers to the equivalent of one life-saving heart operation.

Other highlights of the autumn schedule look to be Danny Dyer’s Paris Death Race, whereby the inexplicably permanently-employed cockney oaf Dyer recreates the Princess’ ill-fated final journey through the streets of the French capital with some celebrity pals to show how Diana may have escaped her tragic fate with just a little bit of wide-boy attitude.

However, it is thought that the channel’s hopes are riding on the new 12-part docudrama starring Katie Price and James Nesbitt, Did Di Die and Dodi Die or Did Dodi Do Di up the Doodah and Disappear? This certain Bafta-bait promises to be a glossy adaptation of the hit conspiracy theory by Michael Parkinson that alleges neither Princess Diana nor Dodi Al Fayed actually died in the infamous Paris car crash and instead insists that the couple eloped to a small Indian fishing village famous for its strict laws enforcing the use of ‘unnatural sex acts’.

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