Weekly Horoscopes


Aries

Narcolepsy causes problems this week when your new job driving a school bus on a busy motorway gets a little bit messy to say the least.

Leo

Gruff looking men keep stopping you and asking you the strangest of questions. It may be a good idea to stop meeting your friends near the area popularly known as rent boy alley.  

 Sagittarius

Your love for animals goes too far this week when you announce to your family Honey the family Golden Retriever is pregnant with their first grandchild. Expect not to win a lot of congratulations after breaking the news.

 Taurus

Life for you lately has been on the slide maybe it’s about time you found somewhere else to live other than the local children’s playground. Besides parents are beginning to talk and it definitely isn’t SPEEDO they are saying behind your back.

Virgo

Family conflict is on the cards for you this week. Be prepared for one hell of a fight as there will be no getting away from your sister no matter where you try to hide. Being a conjoined twin can be a bummer at times.

 Capricorn

You are right, what you do at work isn’t rocket science. However, being part of the U.N’s Economic Energy Agency checking Iran’s nuclear capabilities it does help if you know what you are doing.   

 Gemini

Image all things wonderful, bright and happy now doesn’t that feel good? Now open your eyes and take a good look at the sad lonely life you live in and scream like you’ve never screamed before.

Libra

Your ability to balance life’s problems comes in handy when you have to decide who should live or who should die. Just remember it was your mother-in-law and not your wife who reported you to the police.  

Aquarius

On paper you are every woman’s dream catch, financially secure and a lifestyle many would die for. Unfortunately you have a face like a baboon’s ass and the breath to match. Expect a marriage proposal very soon.

Cancer

I am afraid that the news still isn’t good best of luck.

 Scorpio

Being told you have a pretty mouth isn’t the worst compliment you could receive. But seeing as you are on a canoe trip through the Louisiana swamplands expect the compliments to come thick and fast from the armed hillbillies you have just walked in to your camp.

Pisces

Your need to tie up a few loose ends take priority this morning regardless of your drunken state. It is always best to start with your shoelaces otherwise there may be repercussions when trying to negotiate the stairs on your way out to work.

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