Pope to Make Cheryl Cole Catholic Church’s 1st Living Saint

Pope Benedict XIV will crown his state visit to the UK next month by announcing a momentous break in tradition for the Catholic Church. For the first time in its almost 2000 year history, the Church is set to canonise a living person and that person is to be our own Angel of the North, Cheryl Cole.

We understand that the Pope has been monitoring X Factor star Cheryl’s saintly work for some time now with the Pontiff said to be a huge fan of those L’oreal adverts in particular.

Our source inside the Vatican confirmed “Il Papa has not made this decision on a whim. He is very well informed about the numerous holy works undertaken by Mrs Cole from reading the UK tabloid newspapers and gossip magazines. The evidence is clear; this woman is truly a modern-day saint. Why should we wait until she dies to make it official? We made that mistake with Princess Diana and look how that turned out.”

And in a stunning exclusive we can now reveal that the Pope has written a new prayer specifically for the occasion. It is to be added to the new glossy Beatitudes pull-out in the re-launched full-colour ‘Bible!’ from September 1st (featuring Jesus’ exclusive interview with Dave from Big Brother 11 and fun features like ‘Who’s the biggest slut, Paris Hilton or Mary Magdalene?’. Only £2.99 in all virtuous retailers) but if you can’t wait that long, and we certainly couldn’t blame you if you can’t, we are proud to bring you the World premiere:

 “Blessed are the terrifyingly ruthless fame pursuers with criminal convictions for violence but lovely hair, for they shall inherit the column inches and the boundless goodwill of imbeciles throughout the land.” 

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