Tony Blair Exclusive: I’m Sorry. Sorry I Didn’t Kill More!


 

Former Prime Minister Tony Blair marked the release of his greatly-anticipated memoirs yesterday by issuing an apology to the British people.

It was thought that Mr. Blair would finally apologise for the tragic and senseless deaths of thousands of British soldiers and tens of thousands of Iraqi civilians as a result of his widely-discredited decision to go to war in Iraq in 2002.

However, in an announcement that has stunned the political world, Mr. Blair said that “having spent several months ruminating on my Presidency, sorry…erm, term in office, I can confirm that the only thing I am truly sorry for is that I didn’t kill more of you ungrateful British bastards.”

The ex-PM has become increasingly embittered at what he described as “the native peasantry’s complete lack of respect for a man of my standing and achievements.” It appears that Mr. Blair has grown weary of the near-constant criticism he has received in the UK, where he has been accused of being, amongst other things, a smarmy, venal warmonger with a Christ complex, compared to the respectful welcome he receives in the United States as an experienced statesman and loyal ally. Britain’s leader from 1997 to 2007 now looks to have turned his back on his countrymen as he continued his diatribe “If I am, as it now appears likely, to go down in history as a vainglorious sociopath with little or no regard for the lives of my fellow humans, I may as well have gone the whole hog and become a full-blown tyrant and had my own private army and I could’ve set them on anyone who ever crossed me. And then you’d all be sorry! Hahahahahaha!”

After an urgent intervention by his publisher, Mr. Blair was persuaded to move on to lighter matters such as his opinion on fox hunting. He concluded “As I explain in my smash-hit memoirs, A Journey, available in all bookshops at a very competitive price, I secretly opposed my own government’s ban on foxhunting and I think you’ll all agree that, in light of recent events, I was right all along. In fact, I’ll let you in on a little private scene Chez Tony. When I saw the horrifying news footage of those young children savaged by that fox last month, I gave my darling Cherie a playful nudge and said ‘I tried to warn them babes’. Needless to say, I had the last laugh.” 

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