Richard Littlejohnson : The columnist who doesn’t care what people do in the privacy of their own homes as long it’s not gay stuff


Oh William Hague, what were you thinking? Wearing that top with those shoes I mean, oooh! Only joking fellow right-thinkers. I’m talking about old slap-head Billy 12 pints’ conversion to bum-banditry of course.

Never let it be said that your pal Rich only turns his laser-guided missiles of satire on the know-it-all champagne socialists of the Labour party, oh no. Now don’t get me wrong, a man’s personal sexual preference is his own concern. If a top Tory politician wants to spend his free time indulging in perverted and degrading acts of hot, sweaty rutting with other blokes, well good luck to him and all that, so long as it’s not hurting anybody, although from what I hear, he he, that’s more or less the point!

No, my only problem with Bum-boy Billy’s shameful antics is that this is a matter of State Security. This clown is meant to be the Foreign Secretary and he’s supposedly hopping into bed with all sorts of young chickens, no questions asked. Well what about the pillow talk? For all we know, he could be making nervous chit-chat while ‘digging-out’ who he thinks is a handsome young Brazilian student, yet all the while he’s actually spilling the beans about our nuclear secrets to an ingenious Iranian spy! Still not sure? I’ve got two words for you. Kim. Philby. If history has taught us anything it’s that homosexuals cannot be trusted in matters of national security. The man’s a risk to your safety and this is why ‘Dave’ Cameron has to do his best Alan Sugar impression and say to him ‘Hague, with regret, you’re fired!’

It’s Political Correctness Gone Mad! This week news reaches me of a primary school in Dunstable where the meddling local council have banned the children from using crayons in case it offends the Sikhs and now the poor little tykes have to draw their pictures with the sharpened corpses of our beloved native red squirrels! This country!

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