Hamburglar is Innocent! Loveable Rogue Beats Murder Rap


The Hamburglar was sensationally released from Death Row yesterday after the Appeal Court overturned his conviction for the brutal murder of a policeman.

 The Appeal Court judges ruled unanimously that the murder could not have been committed by The Hamburglar as new CCTV evidence clearly corroborated his alibi that he was busy at that time, stealing beefburgers from scummy people’s babies’ prams.

 In the original trial the jury heard several witness testimonies describing a “strange-looking character” who was “loitering around, looking very shifty” near the scene of the sickening slaying. The Prosecution managed to convince the jury that the only person who could possibly fit that description was The Hamburglar.

 Their argument was that the many-times convicted burger thief was foiled in an opportunistic attempt to purloin a package of patties by a passing patrolman. And in a blind panic, with the fear that he may have to go back to prison, he hit the unfortunate officer on the back of the head with a comedic object, thought to be a vase. The policeman was killed instantly by the head trauma, with the perpetrator hastily fleeing the scene.   

 The Court apologised to The Hamburglar for the “unfortunate misunderstanding” and hoped he would be able to “laugh about it one day”. A spokesman confirmed that he is due to be granted an official pardon at City Hall tomorrow by Mayor McCheese himself.

 However, if The Hamburglar definitely did not commit the murder, and a city mayor with a hamburger for a face says he didn’t, then who did? Police have been ordered to re-open this case and we understand they may just have a new lead. One witness has apparently come forward to say that they overheard a food-related business deal go bad at the location of the crime scene, whereby a shambling figure was clearly heard to be swindling hamburgers from an undercover cop. His chilling words were “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for one hamburger today”.

 Police have released a sketch of the suspect and asked if anybody recognises the man to call their special hit squad on 0800 LAW. They said that he may be armed and dangerous and warned the public not to approach him under any circumstances. 

 

 

 

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