Osborne to Cut Our Hair!


A patriotic haircut today

The government finally revealed the results of their hotly-anticipated spending review today and one cut overshadowed all others; the cut to every Briton’s hair!

Chancellor George Osborne announced to the House of Commons that the nation is so indebted that he was forced to implement an emergency measure. To order the confiscation of every single hair on the heads of every single British citizen. As Mr. Osborne explained: “Who do you think it is that we owe all these billions to? It’s not the Americans or the Russians, they’re in debt up to their grubby foreign eyeballs, same as us. It has taken great time and effort to uncover the mess of the Exchequer’s finances, due entirely to the shoddy administration practices employed by my predecessor and not at all because I don’t know what I am doing. Oh no. In fact, I can now exclusively reveal that the shabby, wasteful oiks from the previous government have mortgaged the nation’s hair to the Chinese.”

The Chancellor continued “So, in order to rectify this quite simply baffling affront to the pride of this once great country, I have arranged for the immediate removal of all of your hair in order that we may sell it back to the Chinese government, coincidentally the World’s leading wig-manufacturers, and thus settling yet another poisonous Labour debt. So there.”

Asked whether the hair-cut would also apply to government ministers like himself Mr. Osborne snorted “Well hardly! It simply wouldn’t do for members of Her Majesty’s government to be seen wandering around with unseemly slapheads making us look like a bunch of bally scaffolders in front of foreign dignities, eh what? Oh sorry Willie, didn’t see you there. How’s the boyfrie……” And with that, he was led away in a headlock by a “jubilant” Conservative Party Chairman Eric Pickles who told us “It’s going well. And I really do believe that.”

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