David Kelly Coroner To Look Into Claim That JFK ‘Headbutted Stray Bullets’


Did this man kill Alexander Litvinenko?

The Doctor who carried out the post-mortem examination of Dr. David Kelly that was released to the public today has announced that he is to look into the mysterious death of American President John F Kennedy.

 In the report that was released by Justice Secretary Kenneth Clarke today, Dr. Nicholas Hunt confirmed that the deceased government scientist David Kelly had died as a result of suicide.

Now, following his success in disproving the widely-held conspiracy theory that Dr. Kelly had been murdered, possibly at the hands of the State, Dr. Hunt announced his plan to continue his work in this field by re-opening the inquest into the death of President Kennedy in 1963.

Whilst it has become accepted wisdom that President Kennedy was shot dead either by Lee Harvey Oswald or by an unknown assassin, Dr. Hunt has other ideas.

“I believe that is simply too convenient to claim that the President was killed to order by shadowy figures in the intelligence services or the Mafia. What appears to me to be a far more likely version of events that fateful evening in Dallas, Texas, is that President Kennedy, a known hayfever sufferer, sneezed in the back of the Presidential limousine. Now the force of that powerful nasal expulsion propelled the President’s head backwards and upwards and completely coincidentally into the path of several bullets that had been harmlessly fired into the air by an overeager well-wisher in the fiercely patriotic Dallas crowd.”

He explained further “Whenever a tragedy like this happens it is human nature to try to find someone to blame but on this occasion we can only accurately point the finger at Mother Nature and her bountiful supply of pollen.”

Dr. Hunt has found himself greatly in demand today as he also revealed that work was already underway on his next-but-one project; his attempt to prove that ex KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko managed to accidentally administer a fatal dose of radiation to himself by “tripping over a paving stone in Central London, causing him to stumble onto a passing rollerskate, which carried his momentum downhill until he was thrown forward onto the back of a London bus which was waiting at some traffic lights but then continued its journey except, instead of driving to Fulham Broadway as intended, the bus ended up veering wildly off-course as the inexperienced driver had spilled the molten hot filling of a McDonald’s apple pie onto his Sat-Nav system and it had clearly malfunctioned, sending the bus towards Sizewell B Nuclear Power Station and upon reaching the gates of the plant and suddenly realising the extent of his error, the driver violently applied the brakes bringing the bus screeching to a sudden halt, which of course jolted Mr. Litvinenko so much so that he was thrown from the vehicle and landed in a pile of dirt outside the plant gates.

So, just as Litvinenko was dusting himself down, he was picked up by an unusually large eagle and he suddenly found himself hundreds of feet up in the air dangling from the claws of the giant bird of prey circling above the power plant until without warning a microlight aircraft loomed into view on a certain collision course with the eagle, who panicked and released the Russian dissident from its talons and he plummeted 200 feet from the sky straight into an enormous vat of super-strength Polonium 210.”

And to think that most of you lot thought the Russian Secret Service slipped something in his tea. Ha!”

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