Weekly Horoscopes 25-29th Oct 2010


Aries

Your invite to Darth Vader’s quarters will bring you a whole lot closer to a dark-force you never even new existed. This is sure to bring water to your eyes.

Leo

Opportunities in love are all around you today so it looks like your application to the local swingers club was a success.

Sagittarius

An interesting letter lands on your desk today which could bring you wealth beyond your wildest dreams. Whoever said blackmail cannot be fun was deluded.

 Taurus

Your inability to score on the pitch will not stand in the way of a lucrative new contract. Just think how many tarts you can score of the pitch with that kind of pay rise.

Virgo

You find yourself the embodiment of all that the opposite sex desires after inadvertently spraying Spanish Fly instead of deodorant on yourself after your shower this morning.

Capricorn

You will rightly take your place at the right hand side of God today after you fisted the Devil all over the place in a battle to the death. Probably best that you wash your fist first before shaking God’s hand.

Gemini

It is never wise to laugh in the face of that evil monkey in your bedroom. Sure it felt brave but you know you will be screaming like a girl and peeing yourself when he wakes you in the middle of the night seeking revenge.

Libra

 There are always two sides to a story unfortunately your weakness in life is your ability to constantly be wrong about everything.

Aquarius

Hearing those immortal words ‘He’s going to be well hung tonight’ unfortunately has little to do with your manhood and more to do with the lynch mob’s ill feeling towards you.

Cancer

The weight loss you have been experiencing has nothing to do with the fad diets you so readily turned to this month.

Scorpio

You have been very upset lately and you just don’t know why. Perhaps it is because you are the most hated person in your office and you have suddenly realised that it isn’t natural froth floating in your coffee your colleague past to you.

Pisces

Your inability to focus on things today could be due to the large quantity of alcohol and drugs you unwisely consumed on your birthday night out. Fortunately being in charge of air traffic control means you can relax and watch the world pass you by whilst you allow the haze wash over you.

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