Weekly Horoscopes 1-5 November 2010

Aries: A love interest appears to be dragging their heels with you perhaps you should have just plied them with drink and left the rohypnol at home.

Leo: Life is like a box of chocolates and you just happen to be the coffee cream. At least now you know why you have been chewed up spat out and discarded in to life’s bin.

Sagittarius: Finding out today that you were adopted and those you call mum and dad are not your real mum and dad after all shocks you. But not as much as it will the social services when they find you still suckling on the pigs teats in the pig sty.

Taurus: Your desire to dominate and take over the world will frustrate you this afternoon when the realisation that your names is Kevin Ramsbottom and you work in a hospital as a lowly paid porter.

Virgo: Eventually you will track down those who have avoided you for so long today. It is just a pity none of your office colleagues like you enough to let you know when they were leaving work and at which pub the party was actually being held at.

Capricorn: That old adage “If man was meant to fly he would grow wings” doesn’t refer to your bingo wings. Be warned it is a long way down and those babies are not going to help one iota.

Gemini: Your ability to suddenly start seeing the dead amazes you today until you realise you are actually dead yourself and it isn’t such a great talent after all.

Libra: Your willingness to actually follow thru with a plan stops short of your undercrackers when that curry you had last night comes back to haunt you.

Aquarius: Once bitten twice shy but not if you go and do the biting first, you may even enjoy the taste of blood as an added bonus.

Cancer: It way look worse than it really is but not in your case.

Scorpio: So how do you solve a problem like Maria? Firing squad, concentration camp so many choices isn’t there but please just don’t opt for making a musical about her.

Pisces: Aldous Huxley once wrote ” The Doors of Perception are open” but he was a Mescaline induced writer. However, in your case the doors are well and truly shut.

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