Royal Wedding To Make Daily Express Immortal

The Prince and his fiancee in happier times : Before the Melons/Geldof disgrace

It was the feelgood news story of the year. But whilst Tuesday’s announcement of the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton was good news for David Cameron, coming as it did on the same day that his government announced swingeing cuts in the Legal Aid system, it was hailed as “miraculous” by Richard Desmond, the owner of The Daily Express newspaper.

The once-popular tabloid has fallen on hard times recently and has been forced to ration its customary stories about the late Princess Diana after they revealed that they would run out of half-baked conspiracy theory stories about the death of the People’s Princess by 2012.

However, with the news that a balding, unattractive – in-a-mildly- interbred-way, socially-awkward heir to the throne is planning to marry his photogenic, doe-eyed but clearly ruthlessly ambitious sweetheart, it’s suddenly 1981 again and boom time for the Nation’s premier chronicler of the House of Windsor.

However, this week’s developments have not been without controversy. Reports from Fleet Street have alleged that Mr. Desmond has been dabbling in timelordery and is said to have invented a ‘time-loop’ that regenerates the same key events every 30 years in a bid to ensure the perpetual success of his newspaper publishing business.

Our top secret source claims that Desmond was overheard explaining how this would pan out. “He predicted that the wedding would definitely go ahead and that the events for the following 30 years would exactly match the Charles and Diana story but with minor variations in terms of incidental plot; so for instance Wills will be caught sending an email to his adulterous lover, Lady Helen ‘Melons’ Windsor, telling her that he wishes he were her anal bleach. And Kate will perish in a helicopter crash accompanied by the idiot wastrel offspring of a millionaire; I’m thinking Peaches Geldof here to give us a bit of sapphic spice. But obviously not before she’s dropped a couple of sprogs so the whole parasitic bottom-feeding Circle of Life turns once again.”

We put these allegations to Mr. Desmond this morning but the creepy four-eyed smut-peddler strenuously denied them before saying “But then again, I would say that wouldn’t I? Hahahaha!”

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