Attempts To Mate Panda’s Outside China Cause Headaches


Kidderminster Zoo has sparked an out cry from animal rights activist this week after it was confirmed that one of their star animals, Chiang – Chiang the male panda was allowed to watch an adult panda movie.

The manager of the zoo confirmed that it was true but it was purely for the sake of the panda and not as some media have implied, for the gratuitous satisfaction for the “animal lovers” at the zoo.

“I can assure you we have only the best interest of Chiang-Chiang and of course the many hundreds of thousands the birth of a baby panda will draw to the zoo.”

Chiang-Chiang a six year old male panda from China and Beyoncé a five year old female panda born in Essex Zoo have been on a mate watch for over a year now. Due to the sexual inactivity of the male panda nothing has happened during this period.

Dr Ken Stott a leading expert in Panda’s confirmed, “Female pandas become pregnant only once a year and deliver two cubs at most each time. Unfortunately I have been informed that Chiang-Chiang has failed to even spark an interest in his room mate and spends most of his time watching day time television and placing bets with his local book makers.”

Brian Stains the manager at Kidderminster Zoo announced today his concerns over this failed attempt at mating

“We took it upon ourselves to try and spice up their lives by introducing new methods to encourage Chiang-Chiang to get in the mood. We cooled their cage down and created a mist to make it feel more like the mountainous province in China he is from but it didn’t seem to work. We introduced oysters and asparagus tips into their diet to try and boost his prowess but to no avail. We were at this stage at a loss as to what to try until one of our colleagues came up with the idea of porn. So we managed to get a movie the Chinese have used in the past which shows pandas in action.”

When asked had this worked on Chiang-Chiang.

“Well to be honest the Chinese movie hasn’t, it’s been a bit of non-starter. If anything, Chiang-Chiang has become a little too enthusiastic with other movies and less so with Beyoncé. At the moment he has rented out five DVD’s which he watches in his room alone with a box of tissues and a copy of Play Panda’s. As for the cool cage and mist like ambience he has asked can we install a Swedish Sauna in his room and to start calling him Sven.”

We have managed to get a copy of the list of movies Chiang-Chiang is currently watching.

1. Debbie does Shaanxi province.

2. Hot Hoes with Black and White toes.

3. Eats Shoots and Leaves.

4. Big Hooters and Large Shooters 4

5. G@ng B@ng Honey Bears 2

Animal activist have declared that they will boycott the zoo if this activity continues. Meanwhile Chiang-Chiang upon being asked what he thought about the protests replied, “Tell them to get lost. Anyone who tries to take my movies and mags away from me will lose a nose. And just to get the record straight, this Daddy doesn’t need Viagra.”

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