Pardew Shows He Is The Right Man For Newcastle

Alan Pardew was confirmed as the new manager of Newcastle United today.

At a St James’ Park news conference to unveil Pardew as Newcastle’s new manager, the former Reading, West Ham, Charlton and Southampton boss admitted that he will have to work hard to replace popular Hughton in the minds of supporters and the players.

“The problem I’m going to have initially is the players,” he said. ” I need to get my message across quickly and with clarity so as not to get any resentment at a time when they are doing reasonably well. The problem I will have is getting around some of the languages the players speak.  In particularly the likes of Andy Carroll as I just cannot understand him at all.”

Pardew signed a five-and-a-half year contract on Thursday, with the length of the deal itself making headlines given owner Mike Ashley’s managerial decisions in recent years.

Pardew went on to tell his first lie at the club by stating Newcastle United were a top 5 club. He then promptly whipped off his shirt and tie in order to prove to all awaiting Newcastle supporters how much of a fan he actually is.  This was seen as an icebreaker as he walked amongst the Newcastle fans at St Jame’s Park in  a -5 Degrees temperature.

Paul Gascoigne welcomed the new manager with a freshly caught flat fish and a months supply of Shippams fish paste.

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