Rank News Weekly Horoscopes 27-31 December 2010


Aries: It is time to leave the past behind you and look forward to a bright new future unfortunately you have just been informed that you only have hours to live.

Leo: It’s that time of the year to try and sell those unwanted Christmas presents you received this year. However, you may not be able to off load that jar of  penis enlargement cream your Grandmother bought so easily on Ebay.

Sagittarius: You are inundated with phone calls today after your friends kindly wrote your name and mobile number on the gents toilets whist out on the ale at the weekend.

Taurus: After going for a tramp in the woods you will find yourself arrested by the police for common assault.

Virgo: That smell of Christmas that fills your home has more to do with that sprouts fuelled deposit Uncle Stan let slide down his trouser leg in your utility room after letting rip with a rapturous fart.

Capricorn: The introduction off scatter cushions to your bachelor pad causes some raised eyebrows amongst your peers. It may be wise to hold back on mentioning your new fondness for Quiche and Lady Grey Tea.

Gemini: The realisation that the old bearded man who entered your bedroom on Christmas Eve wasn’t Father Christmas but was in fact your Uncle Billy confirms why your were walking like a horse when you woke up on Christmas morning.

Libra: After 45 years of age you have at last woke up and smelt the coffee. Unfortunately, this is more due to the fact you are drowning in a silo full of coffee beans than any life changing realisation.

Aquarius: Learning that you have won the Lottery and having told your boss where he can stick his job you are informed by your mum that you only won £10.00. It’s a good job you didn’t tell your friends what you really think of them…Right?

Cancer: Having removed the snowman’s carrot and shoved it somewhere else on the snowman’s body in your front garden, you find you have been placed on the snowman sex offenders list by the national council of snowmen. Thankfully you didn’t touch his snowballs or you may be actually doing time in prison right now.

Scorpio: Who ever said ‘no man is an island’ obviously didn’t see the size of your stomach after the Christmas festivities.

Pisces: You are worried at the moment but not as much as the sheep you have been chasing around a field with nothing on but a leopard skin mankini and a peacock’s feather stuck up your bottom.


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