Jeremy Kyle Welcomes An Increase In Youth Unemployment


 

She could have at least let me have a go as well

 

Today Jeremy Kyle welcomed the news that the jobless total rose by 49,000 in the three months to November.

The former Snake Oil seller was smiling from ear to ear whilst rubbing his wet clammy hands together in anticipation of the human fodder who he will soon be free to watch his Tv shows.

“It’s unbelievably good news. To be honest with you we were running out of scumbags with screwed up problems to expose on my daily TV programme. Now they will not only be watching the show they will killing each other and then wanting to appear on it too.”

One in five 16 to 24-year-olds is jobless after an increase of 32,000 to 951,000, according to Office for National Statistics data. It is the highest figure since records began in 1992.

Keith Chegwin, 18 year-old from Kirkby, confirmed he was looking forward to appearing on the show. “I have slept with both my mum and my sister. And I recently lost my job after being arrested for removing gold teeth from old aged pensioners at the nursing home I worked at. I feel I am more than ready to expose myself not only to Jeremy but the nation!”

In the West Midlands, unemployment has reached 9.9 per cent, in the north-east it is 9.6 per cent while in London it is 9.2 per cent. However, government statistics are now showing that a steady rise in recruitment by local youth gangs is making in roads in reducing  the number of long term unemployed due to gun and knife deaths.

A spokesperson for ITV confirmed that a special two hour show will be broadcast in February to celebrate the expected influx of dick wads who will want to appear on Jeremy’s programme. We will be airing Britain’s first ever  televised Inca style sacrifice rituals to appease the Minister for Employment Chris Grayling. That should sort out the men from the boys, unless they are big fat lezzers that is.”

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