Weekly Horoscopes 14-18th February


Aries

Your fear of enclosed spaces and the dark collide this week when you find yourself entombed in an uncharted cave. At least you can attempt to rationalise your fears for once and all before your oxygen levels drop.

Leo

You are not feeling yourself lately much to the relief of your co-workers at the food packaging plant you work at.

Sagittarius

Being a science fiction fan you are amazed at the news that experts have discovered a worm hole. Unfortunately it happens to be in your backside and it appears to be getting bigger every single day.

Taurus

You will be asked to buy bleach from the shops by your mother today resulting in a wide range of obstacles and hurdles for you. Stay calm and just treat it as your very own ‘road to Domestos’

Virgo

You will be elevated to new heights in the coming weeks as your application for a lift attendant is accepted.

Capricorn

You will be dreaming of Unicorns, Fairies and Elves today which will be very appropriate seeing as your blind date this evening will turn out to be a Dwarf called Barry. 

Gemini

Inefficient, Lazy, Wastrel are just a few of the words your co-workers will happily be happily drawing on the back of your shirt this afternoon whilst you are asleep at your desk.

 Libra

Your yearning for new horizons leads you to disaster when you suddenly realise that you cannot stop the ships engine and earth is actually flat after all.

 Aquarius

Through out your marriage your wondering eye has brought you nothing but strife. Thankfully a leading Ophthalmologist has been found who can fix it for you.

Cancer

That up lifting feeling you have been experiencing lately just shows what confidence a man-bra can actually give to a 49 year-old man at the peak of his obesity.

Scorpio

The saying ‘Keeping Mum’ relates to keeping a secret and not imprisoning your mother in that cellar under your house.

Pisces

Your dishonourable discharge unfortunately will not be in respect of any military misdemeanour but in fact relates to the 4 STD’s you picked up whilst at a brothel in Hereford.

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