British Gas Customers Urged To Spontaneously Combust To Keep Warm

British Gas has confirmed that it made a profit of £742 million after its 7% hike in over the Christmas period. About 8 million British Gas customers were hit with a price rise on  December 10, lifting an average customer’s dual fuel bill from £1,157 to £1,239.

Britain’s pensioners have now been urged to turn to spontaneous human combustion in oder to help keep their fuel costs down and ultimately keep them warm during next winter.

Peter Woodcock a 45 year-old from Burnham, Bucks had concerns over the official statement by Ofgem.

“I hope this will not mean the government will be adding yet another stealth tax on anyone who does manage to spontaneously combust within their own homes?”

A government spokesman confirmed the governments stance on the matter, “The nations retirement homes are full of old unwanted pensioners who are clogging up the system by breathing the same oxygen as normal citizens. Its about time the shower of lazy old age pensioners sacrificed themselves to warm those who have more to live for than smell of urine and talk inanely about how much of a slut their female cats are.”

Reginald Dwight who lives with his grandparents in a maisonette near Watford said that to spontaneously combust was easier said than done.

“I just hope that my nan and granddad survive till next winter. My nan has already tried to make her leg burst in to flames but her catheter burst and the ensuing leak meant her leg was far too wet for her leg to catch fire properly. I trust that the government will be giving an allowance for any part of the body that does manage to catch fire!”

Ofgem will be mailing a ‘How To Spontaneously Combust’ guideline to millions of households across the country in the next few weeks in order to relieve customers minds.

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