Special Investigation : What Does Nick Clegg Actually Do? Secret Diaries Reveal All

An exclusive peek at Nick Clegg's top-secret government work. Who needs Wikileaks eh?

With the Prime Minister David Cameron being out of the country this week as he tours the Middle East flogging shooters, the spotlight has fallen on the Deputy PM, who is supposedly ‘minding the shop’ in the meantime.

Yet today it transpired that Mr. Clegg has decided to take the rest of the week off, leaving us with the question: what exactly does Nick Clegg actually do? We decided to investigate.

Our source, a senior civil servant who has had access to Mr. Clegg’s diary and who only agreed to speak to us anonymously, has revealed the details of the Deputy PM’s average working day.

8am : Arrive at the office. Have lackey deliver the daily newspapers and coffee.

8.05am : Read newspapers.

8.15am : Throw newspapers in the bin angrily and rage about how you don’t get the respect you deserve and that it’s OBVIOUS that most of the coalition’s policies are actually more progressive than anything Labour ever came up with and that’s all down to you dammit!

8.30am : Remember you are a LibDem and order lackey to remove newspapers from the bin and put into the recycling. Phew that was a close one!

8.40am : Send for Danny Alexander to deliver daily report on what Vince Cable’s been up to since yesterday.

9.00am : Punch Danny Alexander in the arm for being a muppet-faced telltale but remember to thank him for his sterling efforts.

9.05am : Hastily arrange press statement denying latest thing Vince Cable has said.

9.15am: Time for a working break now. Have lackey bring in some biscuits and turn on TV. Watch lowbrow current affairs show The Wright Stuff on Channel 5 for some policy ideas. What a grafter!

9.45am : Get bored of the dry political content of lowbrow current affairs show The Wright Stuff on Channel 5. Switch over to Jeremy Kyle. Now you’re talking! It’s like a sort of modern gladiator fight for scum. Actually, make a note of that idea for Welfare discussion in next Cabinet meeting. And IDS thinks he’s progressive!

10.30am :  You’ve hardly a chance to catch your breath so far Cleggster, how do you manage it? Take a well-deserved break for early elevenses. Send the lackey out to get some smoked salmon blinis and coffee. Don’t feel guilty, you deserve it!

12pm: Time for lunch. Head off down to the Commons canteen to inspire the LibDem troops. Funnily enough, as soon as you get there, find that the troops don’t need any inspiration as they’ve all decided to cut short their lunches and they rush out to fight ever harder for the coalition.

1.45pm: Fully refuelled to take on the important business of government, summoned to Dave’s office. Agree that new policy to incinerate the poor would be best presented to the media by yours truly due to longstanding environmental credentials.

2.30pm : That went rather well. Explained that it would be greener to burn people than oil or coal and that the new policy would be progressive as it would take millions off the dole queue. Relay news to Environment Sec Chris Huhne. He’s so delighted he begins to cry tears of joy and rushes out to Commons bar to celebrate.

2.45pm : Open today’s red boxes of special Deputy PM work. Let’s get cracking!

3.00pm : Finish colouring-in and that’s the red boxes done for another day. You’re flying today Cleggy! Just as well cos you’ve got to stand-in for Dave and take today’s test for Mr. Murdoch.

3.20pm : So frustrating! Got to last clue of Sun crossword but seems to be some mistake. Clue says ‘Someone who betrays everything they previously stood for in a craven lust for power (4 & 3)’. Letters say SEL_  OUT which is ridiculous as clearly the answer is ‘Modern progressive thrusting pioneer of the new politics’ but it doesn’t seem to fit. Write it in anyway. You don’t fool the Cleggotron with your trick questions Mr. Murdoch! No way!

3.25pm : Is that the time? Make a dash for it. The only downside to being in government really; you don’t get a minute to yourself!

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