FA Announce Exclusion Zone Around Rooney’s Elbow


The English FA to implement an exclusion zone around Wayne Rooney’s elbows to ensure that the Manchester United player’s human rights are not infringed.

After an emergency meeting on Monday evening the FA have concluded that an exclusion zone was the best form of defence to protect the Manchester United striker from unwanted attention from lesser paid players ears, heads or necks.

Sir Alex Ferguson welcomed the news. “It’s about time the FA got its finger out and protected young Wayne. In too many games this season my players but more particularly Wayne have been exposed to blatant displays of football by other teams. Instead of standing still and allowing my boys to run rings around them and score goals they have actually played football against us. The game against Wigan on Saturday was a disgrace, fancy only letting us score four goals past them. Wigan should hang their heads in shame.”

It can be confirmed that Wigan Athletics James McCarthy will not be fined over the apparent illegal assault with the side of his head on Rooney’s innocent elbow. He will however, be on a caution over the incident and must participate in an F.A. anger management course at the end of the season.

Rooney was pleased upon hearing the Football Associations ruling, “I was pure upset lad when that dirty Ming wiped his earwax all over me arm like that. I told the gaffer I don’t get paid enough money to put up with this kind of crap.”

Mark Clattenburg who refereed the game on Saturday would only confirm that the matter had now been fittingly dealt with by the F.A. and that he had no more to say on the matter.

It has been rumoured that Mr Clattenburg, who claimed to have not seen the actual assault, may have been impeded during Saturday’s game as he was wearing the same glasses that both Sir Alex Ferguson and Arsene Wenger apparently wear during their team’s matches.  The specially blinkered glasses stop the wearer from seeing any incident during a 90 minute period that is committed by either Manchester United or Arsenal Football Clubs.

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