New Riots Expected After Arts Funding Cuts Announced

The Metropolitan Police have confirmed that they are on high alert after news broke today that more than 200 organisations that received regular funding from Arts Council England have missed out after “a series of painful decisions”.

Fears that thousands of mime anarchists will march on the capital this weekend as the news sinks in about reduced funding.

About 1,300 venues, theatres, galleries and arts groups applied for grants from the council, which had its budget cut by £100m in October’s Spending Review.

Some 695 groups will get funding for 2012 to 2015 – down from 849 – while 110 new groups have been successful.

The government has pledged an extra £80m in lottery money from 2013. Arts Council England, meanwhile, said that the money is very welcome but it’s not something that will solve the problems that we’re facing today,” a spokeswoman said.

One eyewitness to the last march held by mime anarchists in 2002 was still shaking when called to reflect on the damage caused by mime anarchists near the Barbican Theatre.

“It was utterly shocking, one minute I was enjoying a nice stroll on a warm summer’s day and the next I knew I was attacked by hundreds of scary looking people trying to get out of imaginary boxes. I managed to fight my way towards the Barbican Theatre and hide with the staff behind the closed glass doors. The street outside was strewn with imaginary smashed glass, stones and bottles it looked like a virtual war zone. The silence was absolutely deafening.”

Chief Inspector, Ken Stott confirmed that his men are worried about the challenges ahead should any impromptu march take place in the City of Westminster.

“We have tried to point out the ring leaders of this group but as they all dress near enough the same it has been difficult to say the least. We are worried about the possible damage these groups are likely to make on the streets of Westminster. We can only hope that they do not resort to hanging people with imaginary ropes now that would be a mime crime too far.”

The government has asked for calm and has privately confirmed that they hope that Ballet Dancers do not join the anticipated march as this would leave the Capital Pirouetting on a knife edge.

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