The Rank News Weekly Horoscopes 11- 15 April


Aries

Your inability to be on time for work and the little matter of  your final written warning meeting with management and personnel pays off today when you turn up at your office only to see it in flames. Try to suppress your smile whilst your colleagues scream.

Leo

Your plans to take over the world are foiled when your mum sends you to your room for wetting another pair of underpants at the breakfast table.

Sagittarius

An underlining fear grips you when you next door neighbours pay you an unexpected visit and do not fail to notice the unmistakable form of your wife protruding from the living room wall.

Taurus

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth- at this rate you are going to most definitely be the one touched by the ugly stick

Virgo

Your fondness for children’s games causes some concern this week when you are arrested playing your own version of Winnie the Pooh’s, Pooh sticks much to the horror of onlookers enjoying a sunny day in the park.

Capricorn

‘You are what you eat’ TV producers are sure to be shocked when you tell them the fresher the human meat the better.

Gemini

Having revived your ailing love life you quickly return to your old ways when you not only get drunk too quickly on a double date but you also manage to throw up and shit your pants all at the same time.

Libra

History of mental problems in your family will account for why it wasn’t actually God who tried to impregnate you with the Son of God but actually your uncle Frank. The fact that you are a man should have been a big enough clue.

Aquarius

Just as you started to believe that things just couldn’t get any worse you wake up to the fact that you are Nick Clegg leader of the Liberal Democrats.

Cancer

Your ability to talk to the dead unfortunately will have no affect in the bedroom this evening much to your wife’s disappointment yet again.

Scorpio

That big red button that you just know you shouldn’t press is enticing you with all its feminine guile today. However, the fact the button is connected to a nuclear warhead should put you off – you hope.

Pisces

Your attempt to reenact William Tell’s, shooting an Arrow thru an apple placed on a child’s head, at your family party is at least one way to cut down on the cost of child care this year.


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