Capello On Brink After Stanley Matthews’ England Quit Stunner

Did this disgusting foreigner harbour Bin Laden? Just look at him!

England manager Fabio Capello was left reeling today after the unexpected international retirement of legendary winger Stanley Matthews.

The latest body-blow to the hapless Italian supremo was delivered by Sir Stanley’s ‘spokesman’, ridiculous shyster Derek Acorah.

The oleaginous charlatan, 52, released a statement purporting to speak on behalf of Sir Stan saying “It is with great regret that I must today announce my official retirement from international football. There comes a time in every footballer’s career that he must face up the fact that he can no longer be considered an automatic pick for the England squad and sadly this is mine.

“It’s no secret that I’ve had lots of niggling injuries over the last few decades what with being dead and that” explained Sir Stan via his ludicrously luminescent mouthpiece.

“And, after sitting down and talking with the management team here in Heaven, I have come to the conclusion that the best thing to do would be to respectfully announce to Signor Capello that I no longer wish to be considered for any future England squads.”

Reaction to the shock revelation was swift with The Daily Mirror’s Oliver Dolt proclaiming “This is terrible news for all of England. Well, with the noted exception of embittered cynical sweaty football hacks of course. It’s actually quite handy for us lot as we can use this to go on and on about how this further erodes the reputation of Capello and… that Christine Ohorogu? Where’s my cane? Ah here it is. Come back here you flighty scoundrel!”

 And England vice-captain Rio Ferdinand perhaps spoke for a nation when he tweeted “wassup tweeps. sir stan ur a tru lgrnd. nuf rspec lolz.”

2 Responses to “Capello On Brink After Stanley Matthews’ England Quit Stunner”
  1. tom bean says:

    you should ask Sir Stan’s family if you can publish this shit

    – get a life

    • daveh75 says:

      Hello Mr Bean, firstly we’re glad you took the time to seek out our humble site.

      You’ve clearly got many better things to do and what with youtube and all of the vastly more popular outlets for unthinking and unfocused rage, it’s most gratifying that you chose the Rank News to spectacularly miss the point.

      Just to clarify, and to prove that we take our reader complaints seriously, we’ll say this quite slowly for you. This (we’re not patronising you here Tom, even a Keele university student knows the meaning of this word) pretend article (fake news story which was supposed to be semi-humorous) was written as a result of the meaningless international “retirement” announcement of England no-hoper Ben Foster.

      So, for the avoidance of doubt, and there seems to be some here, no offence was intended to Sir Stanley. And frankly Tom, before your noble intervention, no-one has managed to find any.

      Thanks for your invaluable feedback our new friend and we hope beyond hope to hear from you again as soon as your zookeeper teaches you how to master those pesky keyboard things.

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