The Rank News Weekly Horoscopes 01 June 2011


Your inability to be on time for work and the little matter of  your final written warning meeting with management and personnel pays off today when you turn up at your office only to see it in flames. Try to suppress your smile whilst your colleagues scream.


Your plans to take over the world are foiled when your mum sends you to your room for wetting another pair of underpants at the breakfast table.


An underlining fear grips you when you next door neighbour pay’s you an unexpected visit just as  the unmistakable form of your wife starts to protrude thru your living room wall.


An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth at this rate you are going to be most definitely be the last one holding the ugly stick


Your fondness for children’s games causes some concern this week when you are arrested playing your own version of, Poo sticks much to the horror of onlookers enjoying a sunny day in the park.


‘You are what you eat’ TV producers are sure to be shocked when you tell them the fresher the human meat the better.


A new chapter to your life is beginning unfortunately it will not only find you questioning your sexuality but also your love for Mills and Boon romance novels.


An idealistic feel to your week is going to be making it easy for you to mistake lust for love much to your grandmother’s great concern.


Your ability to talk to the dead unfortunately will have no affect in the bedroom this evening much to your wife’s disappointment yet again.


Time is ticking but unfortunately for you it is the bomb strapped to your chest and not just your body clock.


The moon breaks above a clouded sky as you feel the cold caress of the night air on your skin. You are awash with being as one with nature until you suddenly realise that you are standing naked outside the shelter for the elderly.


You appear to have the upper hand to solving problems today which is good news seeing as you have been kidnapped by a deranged killer and you have only 30 minutes to escape his trap otherwise you will lose your family jewels.

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