The World In Shock After Bono Confirmed Not Drowned At Mud Filled Glastonbury


Festival fans were contending with muddy mayhem at Glastonbury today after yesterday’s torrential downpours turned the 900-acre site into a quagmire.

Every inch of Worthy Farm has become a mud bath as early arrivals gear up for the beginning of the main event tomorrow.

Welly-clad music fans put on brave faces despite hundreds of tents flooding and treacherous conditions underfoot.

Festival organisers are worried that the muddy conditions may have an adverse affect on some of the stars of this years music festival.

” We have had some concerns already particularly when U2’s security team went into a blind panic this morning. A discarded hat was spotted in the mud near the main stage and the bands own security team had assumed that diminutive Rock Star had drown in a pool of effluent. Much to the delight of festival goers who watched on in sheer delight at the unfolding scenes of panic.”

Johnny Belmont, a first year student from Chepstow was left disheartened  by the realisation it wasn’t the short-arsed singer up to his neck in slurry.

” I am an agnostic but when rumours went across the festival site that Bono had drowned in the mud I almost  became a believer that there is an actual god who is true and good after all. Now It has been confirmed it was a false alarm the spirit of myself and other festival goers has truly been broken. That so called god in so called heaven is a complete shit!”

Neil Grant, 27 year-old from Leicester ” We can put up with the rain, the mud and the trench foot but finding out Bono isn’t dead well this is beyond the pail and I don’t mean the over flowing buckets we use as toilets in our tents .”

Weather forecasters have confirmed that heavy rain is predicted again for the next few days over the Glastonbury area and festival goers should keep their fingers crossed as their wishes could still come true with a bit of luck.

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