Weekly Horoscopes 27-30 June 2011


Friends seem to be making plans without you lately which is hardly surprising when your name is Ryan and you play for a Premiership Football team.


Feelings that your family have always hated rises to the surface today when your birthday present from them is a one way ticket to Switzerland to an exclusive assisted suicide hotel.


An old friend will be calling on you for a favour in the next few weeks maybe this is the right time to dig that acid bath out of you garage once again.


A diamond is a chunk of coal made under pressure. However, in your case you lazy sloth you will always remain the chunk of coal not even fit for burning.


A visit from the adoption agency comes a cropper when your shrine to all things Gary Glitter is found in your cellar this afternoon. I guess there just are some gangs you just shouldn’t want to belong to these days.


In a just world your career would have taken off and flourished by now but the fact you are a useless dipstick in all that you do, justice prevails once again.


In hindsight maybe it was wrong of you to pretend being a doctor when the child in the street had a choking fit. Perhaps the child dying at the scene will stop these silly games of yours for once and all!


That old playground saying my brother is bigger than your brother is all well and good at school. However, at 45 years of age it kind of loses its ability to stave off the enormous beating that 6ft 4 giant is going to mete out to you for calling his wife a slapper.


With good fortune and luck you will get thru the mess you find yourself in at this very moment. Unfortunately you are 6 miles from home you have no money and you are about to empty your bowels like a submarine empties its ballast. Maybe it was a bad idea to wear the white Chinos after all!


They say that your life flashes past you just as you are about to die, so that should take all of twenty seconds then!


Your desire to be king of the MILF hunters leaves your ambitions in shatters after stowing away on a coach believed to be a Hen Party going to Blackpool turns out to be an over 80’s coach trip to a catheter fitting session at the local hospital.


Your short duration claim is knocked back today due to the fact that you cannot apparently claim on your husband’s lack of stamina in the bedroom.

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