Republican Convention News: Warning May Contain Nuts

Even the Republicans think this woman’s too much. Jesus Christ

The Republican National Convention, or the lamest show on earth, has entered its second day in Tampa, Florida and so far, what have we learnt?*


Firstly, in shock news, we can reveal that politically-bankrupt harbinger of World War 3, Sarah Palin, has been sensationally banned from appearing by Republican Party bigwigs. Former part-time Governor of Alaska, Palin, the unsuccessful Vice-Presidential candidate from four years ago is believed to be rather unhappy at the high-profile snubbing. The narcissistic nightmare was fully geared-up to vent her spleen on the cartoonishly-villainous Fox News tonight but it seems that even they couldn’t bear to listen to her idiotically demented ranting any longer.


Secondly, Mitt Romney has been formally confirmed as the Republican nominee for November’s Presidential election. The Lego-headed former Governor of Massachusetts will give his keynote speech tomorrow but sent his wife in to bat for him last night in a now depressingly-commonplace political trope. We understand that the dog on the roof millionaire has been extensively coached to avoid any mention of his Mormon faith, controversial tax affairs, prospective policies or pretty much anything whatsoever.


Thirdly (we’ve committed to this conceit now, it’s too far gone to change it), it appears from television coverage at least, that the Republicans have this year invited a seemingly-unrepresentative audience of almost normal-looking people. Two days in and we haven’t spotted a single shotgun-wielding redneck. Not even a Koran-burning pastor. It’s almost as though they’re trying to appeal to regular people this time.


Hold on, here comes Paul Ryan. Forget that last point.


And, in breaking news we truly couldn’t make up, an attendee to the convention was removed from the conference after allegedly throwing nuts at a black camerawoman from CNN, saying “this is how we feed animals”. So rest easy folks, normal service is resumed.

* Yes, a typical example of British liberal intellectual snobbery.

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