Richard Littlejohnson : Why I’m Running For Pope

Want to bash this bishop you deviant scum? You'll have to get past me first! He's a Cardinal? I've got nothing...

Want to bash this bishop you deviant scum? You’ll have to get past me first! He’s a Cardinal? I’ve got nothing…

Last week, after speaking at one of my regular ‘Patriots Nights’ in the No Income Tax No VAT pub in Florida, many influential and political figures brought to my attention that there’s a vacancy at the top of the Catholic Church.

Seeing a chance at making a real difference to a great religion, and more importantly learning that any Catholic male can actually scoop the top job, I realised my true calling and immediately renounced my limp-wristed, panty-wearing Church of England faith and converted to Catholicism.

It was actually my old mate Cardinal Keith O’Brien who alerted me to the golden possibilities at the top of God’s Own Church for a similar fellow of such high moral turpitude and who am I, even as Good King Hal’s foremost polemicist, to argue with an authority so high?

Well, unlike Godless turd-turfers lacking the courage of their convictions like “Call Me Dave” (I pretend to have made that up you know, I’ve almost never mentioned it so you probably don’t) Cameron and his knicker-boy Osbourne, I’ve decided that the World needs a good dose of old-fashioned commonsense and if these internet weirdos are to be believed, it’s just about time too.

My message is simple, let’s just stop these filthy brown-earthers from their supposedly enjoyable touchings, feelings, kissings and insertions at all costs! And if anybody mentions Terry’s stag from 2010, they’re excommunicated!

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