Margaret Thatcher : An Apology

The death of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher has caused a great deal of soul-searching at the Rank News. And we feel that we owe you, our loyal readers, a sincere apology.

Look at this horrible little fucking turd. Can this human penis somehow manage to be even worse? God help us

Look at this horrible little fucking turd. Can this human penis somehow manage to be even worse? God help us

On that fateful Monday, we have to admit that we were too busy getting pissed to come up with the kind of vaguely-humourous half-arsed satire that you have come to expect from us.

And we must apologise further for the fact as Tuesday dawned and we awoke slightly soiled with vomit and faeces but unusually with no sense of crippling regret, we still had nothing.

In the dark days that followed we eagerly devoured all of the reaction and satirical response that inevitably ensues in the light of a once-in-a-generation lampoonery lottery jackpot. And we decided that we’d blame everyone else.

We’re sorry that a large proportion of the South-East of England has so little empathy with the rest of the UK that they feel the entire rest of the country are feral beasts for briefly enjoying a fleeting moment of schadenfreude at the demise of a once all-powerful monster. Here’s a clue for you. You know that bit at the end of Return of the Jedi where the Empire is vanquished? It feels a bit like that.

We’re sorry that any purportedly-sentient human bastard has, in the past four days, shat out the sentence “Say what you like about Maggie Thatcher. At least you knew where you stood with her.”

We’re sorry that we can’t remove the mental image of Richard Littlejohn taking five minutes out from persecuting transsexuals to knock one last unusual wank out of his fantasy dominatrix before she was cold.

We’re sorry that our vastly more successful rivals chose to be arch and disinterested, choosing instead to run cynical by-numbers pieces rather than allow even the slightest shred of emotion to inhibit their polished one-sentence jokes.

We’re sorry that witty well-written satirical websites have to take money from advertisers in order to continue to survive.

And more than anything, we’re sorry that her successors are getting away with a level of mean-spirited uncaring vandalism their heroine could only dream of.

Although, on a personal note, we’re probably most sorry that our dry cleaner has to deal with those heavily-soiled fitted sheets. And there’s your two-bob Maggie metaphor pay-off right there. Take that Daily Mash!

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