Richard Littlejohnson : The columnist who’s finally forsaken his last remaining miniscule scrap of humanity

So did you see the student protests the other week? Or the Scum Rampage as they should have called it. I was shaking with rage as I witnessed the despicable images of destruction and terror perpetrated by these filthy workshy lettuce-munching communists on my 62-inch plasma TV in my luxury Florida home. So you can … Continue reading

Coalition To Tackle Deficit By Going On TV Gameshows

Following the surprising news that Business Secretary Vince Cable is to appear on the Christmas special edition of the hit BBC reality show Strictly Come Dancing, we can exclusively reveal that he is not the only government minister to try his luck at TV. We have received a copy of a Top Secret memo sent by … Continue reading

Royal Wedding To Make Daily Express Immortal

It was the feelgood news story of the year. But whilst Tuesday’s announcement of the engagement of Prince William and Kate Middleton was good news for David Cameron, coming as it did on the same day that his government announced swingeing cuts in the Legal Aid system, it was hailed as “miraculous” by Richard Desmond, … Continue reading

Jeffrey Archer Defects To Labour Party

  Controversial Conservative peer Lord Jeffrey Archer has today announced that he is quitting the Tories and joining the Labour Party. The millionaire novelist’s shock decision is thought to have come about as a result of the news that earlier this week many backbench Labour MPs angrily attacked the Party’s Deputy Leader Harriet Harman for … Continue reading

Glenn Beck Finally Convinced by Theory of Evolution With Discovery Of “Half-Monkey, Half-Person”

Lachrymose Fox News presenter Glenn Beck has made a sensational U-Turn today on his claim that the theory of evolution was “ridiculous” because he had yet to see a “half-monkey, half-person” after he saw this amazing evidence on ESPN.

David Kelly Coroner To Look Into Claim That JFK ‘Headbutted Stray Bullets’

  The Doctor who carried out the post-mortem examination of Dr. David Kelly that was released to the public today has announced that he is to look into the mysterious death of American President John F Kennedy.

Osborne to Cut Our Hair!

  The government finally revealed the results of their hotly-anticipated spending review today and one cut overshadowed all others; the cut to every Briton’s hair!

David Miliband Quits Shadow Cabinet Over Angel Delight Snub

  David Miliband has announced today that he is not prepared to serve under his brother Ed and that he intends to retire from front-line Labour politics. The Shadow Foreign Secretary, who had been the overwhelming favourite to win the Labour leadership race right up until last Saturday, denied that his decision was a personal reaction … Continue reading

Scientists Move Doomsday Clock Forward To 23:59.59 as Palin Presidential Bid Gathers Pace

The scientists in charge of setting the Doomsday Clock today announced that they were moving it forward to it’s latest-ever setting of 1 second before midnight in response to rampant speculation that Tea Party darling Sarah Palin will run for the Presidency of the United States of America in 2012. The Doomsday Clock is a … Continue reading

Qur’an-Burning Dipshit Offers to Fight Afghan War On His Own

The controversial Pastor Terry Jones, who plans to stage a Qur’an burning day to mark the anniversary of the 9/11 attacks, has today offered to make an astonishing sacrifice to salvage his ‘event’.

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