Weekly Horoscopes
Aries
You find you and one other are the last surviving humans on the planet this week.No it isn’t Brad Pitt but that weirdo on the 9th Floor. Once you get beyond the teeth and bad breath and his squint then love will surely win the day.
Leo
You get the opportunity to fly the nest is week. Your secret gambling debt and extreme adult film collection has been found by your mum.
Sagittarius
Stealing from friends and family is bad but from the dead now that’s going to take one hell of an explanation particularly the body hair, good luck.
Taurus
You get rich quick idea finally falls flat on its face when you attempt to smuggle drugs into the country inside a live animal brings that undue attention you were hoping to avoid.
Virgo
You are a very observant person this week which comes in handy during the planned armed robbery at your local bank.
Capricorn
Sleeping at your desk in the office is one thing but at the wheel of a long distant wagon whilst speeding down the motorway isn’t going to make you any friends
Gemini
You are all fingers and thumbs as usual tomorrow, happily your operation to reconstruct your hand will be over this time next week.
Libra
Having your finger on the pulse is good but you’re sure not going to find it in your blind date’s bra.
Aquarius
Finding a wallet to some may appear to be fortunate. Unfortunately the one you find today is made of human skin and you recognise the birthmark on the back.
Cancer
Try not to book any last minute holidays this week. Your family will thank you for it in the end. It costs way too much to ship a coffin from abroad so be warned.
Scorpio
Your star sign dictates that you are an impulsive shopper thankfully your husband’s bonus from work is going to come in handy at the weekend.
Pisces
Visiting a medium this week allows you to keep in touch with loved ones. The knowledge that they are fine living their normal lives on earth may cause you to panic.
THE RANK NEWS: spoof news and satire 