New Liverpool Board Shocked At Hicks’ Dirty Protest

The newly reconstituted Board of Liverpool Football Club described this evening their shock at “the horrific spectacle” that awaited them at the club’s Anfield ground.

Chairman Martin Broughton revealed that he had planned to take the club’s prospective new owner John W Henry on a tour of the Reds’ historic stadium but had to abandon it after only two minutes when he discovered that “the place was covered wall-to-wall in human excrement”.

In case there had been any doubt as to the identity of the mystery muck spreader, a sinister note was left in faeces underneath the club’s iconic ‘This Is Anfield’ sign in the players’ tunnel. Mr. Broughton, visibly shaking, read out the terrifying warning:

“Suck on my filthy Texan turds you ungrateful fuckers. See you all in Hell! Yours sincerely, Tom Hicks.”

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